Lady Cat Lady

Today, we have an insider interview with Wonton, giving us behind the scenes drama.

Interviewer: Thank you for being here, Wonton, we’re happy you’ve decided to join us.

Wonton: Meow. Cough, cough. You’re welcome, you should feel honored.

Interviewer: Of course. You contacted us about some scathing accusations against Debbi.

Wonton: She neglects me.

Interviewer: Wait, what? Lady Cat Lady neglects you? How?

Wonton: I’m starving, can’t you tell? Look at me. I haven’t had a Delectable in days.

Interviewer: I mean, you look pretty…ummmm…full figured to me.

Wonton: Are you calling me fat?

Interviewer: No, that’s not what I meant. Let’s get back to the questions.

Interviewer: Does she neglect you in other ways?

Wonton: She keeps bringing other cats into my house.

Interviewer: Isn’t it Nick’s house?

Wonton: Have you ever been owned by a cat? Nick’s house? I laugh at you foolish hooman.

Interviewer: (Growing impatient) Is there anything else?

Wonton: The most egregious thing of them all.

Interviewer: How does a cat know what egregious means?

Wonton: How can a cat talk? If you pull at the strings, this all falls apart.

Interviewer: Okay, you’re right. What’s the flagrantly gross thing Debbi does to you?

Wonton: Flagrantly gross? You come at me for egregious, and all you’ve got is flagrantly gross?

Interviewer: What do you want from me?

Wonton: Your complete and utter devotion

Interviewer: Let’s get back to the horrendous thing Debbi does to you…

Wonton: Horrendous works. (deep sigh) You see, she…

Interviewer: Yes?

Wonton: She…Oh, I can’t say it, it’s just awful.

Interviewer: (Leans forward) Please, it will be okay, just tell us what she does.

Wonton: She….she…she cleans up all the litter I kick all over the floor.

Interviewer: (Rolls eyes) Well, maybe she doesn’t want to step in it.

Wonton: No, you don’t understand, there must be a one foot perimeter around the litter box of litter….for cat reasons.

Interviewer: Cat reasons?

Wonton: Are you questioning cat logic, hooman?

Interviewer: Of course not. Is there anything you can tell us about her sex life?

Wonton: What sex life? Oh, do you mean the threesomes she has in the backyard?

Interviewer: (Excited) Hold up. She’s having threesomes in the backyard?

Wonton: Yep, every morning she goes out there with a qtip, and uses the qtip to pollinate the female flowers on her cucumbers with pollen from the male flowers. She calls that a threesome and laughs every single time.

Interviewer: How does a cat know about pollinating?

Wonton: How does a cat know about threesomes? What did I tell you about pulling strings?

Interviewer: Okay, okay

Interviewer: Is there anything else you can tell us about Debbi?

Wonton: Nope, but I have a message for her readers.

Interviewer: What’s that?

Wonton: Send Delectables to….

Interviewer: That’s all for today. Let’s thank Wonton for her riveting insider look at Debbi’s home.