Lady Cat Lady

Soooo, it’s been a while, how ya been?

Me? Different

It’s been about a year since I lost three people I love within three months of each other, two from suicide. I don’t know how one is expected to deal with that kind of tragedy, heal from the cacophony of sorrow that dwells in my heart. Frankly, I’m dealing with it how I usually do with large amounts of stress; withdrawal.

Don’t get me wrong, Nick is here everyday, it’s not like I stopped talking with him. If I walk outside and my neighbor sees me, I fence chat with her. If my niece calls, I pick up right away. She and her family are a beacon of sunshine on even the cloudiest of days in my brain. I just spend a lot of time alone….thinking.

The relationship my niece and I have developed over this last year…there’s no way to describe it other than transformative. Yes, I watched this woman be born, changed her diapers, but her formative years and beyond were spent with our families in different states. She barely knew me.

My neck starts to feel like it’s being squeezed as tears drip down my face when I think of my sister and her son. However, without their deaths, I would not have this relationship with my niece and I can’t help but feel grateful.

Ah, feelings, why do they have to be so complicated?

At the end of last month, Nick, my niece, and I all went to Michigan for my maternal family reunion. This was the first time Nick and my niece met them. Well, my niece when she was a baby, but not since. This was Nick’s first time actually going to Michigan.

I took them to all the places, shared memories from my childhood with both as we drove around my hometown. I was doing it mostly for my niece, I’m brutally aware my sister never talked about our childhood. Not since our mother took her own life. I wanted my niece, her daughter, to know we had a happy, incredible childhood filled with love.

I even took them to go see the Golden Cock Ring. Don’t look at me like that. The city of Sterling Heights put up a huge golden ring and never gave it a name. Golden Cock Ring makes me laugh, that’s what I’m going to call it.

They saw the houses where we grew up; the schools we went to; the parks we played in; and the lake where we learned to swim. When it was time for the reunion, that’s when the real wildness kicked in. I had to introduce Nick and my niece to every freaking one. Look, my maternal grandparents were Catholic, no birth control for them. My mother was one of eleven children. And, they had children. And, they had children. And, now they’re starting to have children. It’s a lot of people.

One of my cousins walked up to me and said “Hi Debbi”. I said “Which one are you?” Fucking hell, I’m way too willing to say the first thing that comes to mind. I think I hurt her feelings. It’s just been so long.

This was also the first time we left our cats for more than ten hours. They did fine with the neighbor feeding them, nobody starved.

And, now we’re to the health portion of this blog post.

Le Sigh

I had back surgery, things went great. My back feels tons better. I do not regret it for one bit. Buuuuuut, I developed a horrible case of vertigo three weeks after surgery and had to be hospitalized for five days because they couldn’t stabilize my blood pressure enough for the cardiologist.

I still don’t know why I developed vertigo, and I did all the treatments where they move your head to make it go away. Didn’t help. I now have an appointment in November to see a vertigo specialist. My googling diagnosis is Vestibular Migraines. We’ll see if I’m right. I am taking medication that has lessened the vertigo, but I still have it.

Theeeeeen, when I was in Michigan, I took a fall and jammed my arm. I did something to my shoulder. Still not sure what is causing it. You know, because I waited to see my doctor about my lack of being able to lift my arm over my head and the pain thinking it would go away on its own. Don’t fret: I have an MRI and an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon scheduled. I’m hoping for a cortisone shot.

The garden is a jungle of weeds. I have done no gardening at the behest of the neurosurgeon who fixed my back. Too much bending over, he says. We’ll see after the next appointment.

That’s my update.

Happy Thursday